I bought my mom “50 Shades of Grey” for her birthday. Then I promptly borrowed it. I was sick, and it was for work, which are two of my favorite excuses for stupidity. I read the book in two days, and I can tell you that everything you think or feel or suspect about it is true, except that it’s sillier and clumsier than you imagine. I took 15 passages and illustrated them with weird stock photography (personal obsession), which is now in slideshow form on Salon. My mother is proud of me, and now she can have her birthday present back.