McSWEENEY’S BOOKS: A Play

A Play in Three Acts

Setting: McSweeney’s Books, a bookstore, curiosity shop, and shoe rental opened by Dave Eggers in Park Slope, Brooklyn. The store is empty except for one employee — a young man, let’s say 25, with square glasses, a tight navy shirt, and dark wavy hair, matted to his forehead by the June heat. I suspect his name is Ryan. The store is tiny, the size of a bathroom, and possibly smells of sawdust. Its walls are covered by 6″ square nooks that house items such as: a jar of springs, a pair of pliers, a plastic weasel, etc. Also, larger nooks contain T-shirts. Also, a glass case contains shoes available for rental while you are in the store. The selection is limited (mostly ballet slippers), but a pair of gold glitter sneakers could be described as “mighty tempting.”

The companion is a college friend and former platonic roommate now living in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn.

Time: Present. (Or, Friday, June 15, 2001.)

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE: IS THIS THE PLACE?

Lights up.

ME: Hi.

COMPANION: Hey.

RYAN: Hello.

Lights down.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO: DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH?

Lights up. Centerstage is a box filled with white pebbles and a metal scoop.

ME: (pointing to the box) What’s that?

RYAN: I don’t know.

COMPANION: Looks like rock salt.

RYAN: Rock salt or gravel. Do you want me to put it in my mouth and find out?

ME and COMPANION: Yes.

(Ryan puts a few pebbles in his mouth. Considers this. Nods.)

RYAN: Rock salt.

Lights down.

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE: TOO SHORT

Lights up.

ME: I’m too short to reach the T-shirt I want. Can one of you get it for me?

RYAN: Sure.

COMPANION: I think I can reach it.

RYAN: Do you want to get it?

COMPANION: Yeah, I’ll get it.

RYAN: Oh, thanks.

ME: You know what? I don’t want this one. Can someone put it back?

RYAN: I got it.

COMPANION: You wanna get it, man?

RYAN: No problem.

ME and COMPANION: Thanks.

Lights down. End Act One.

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE: IT DIDN’T REALLY HAPPEN THIS WAY

Lights up. Ryan, my companion, and I are sitting at the bar of a swank Italian restaurant in the East Village, smoking.

WAITPERSON: What would you like to drink?

RYAN: Red wine.

COMPANION: White wine.

ME: Do you have tonic water?

WAITPERSON: We got Coke.

ME: Do you have iced tea?

WAITPERSON: We got wine. We got Coke.

ME: Do you have water?

WAITPERSON: We got water.

ME: I’d like a water, please.

Lights down.

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO: STILL, IT WAS A VALUABLE LESSON

Lights up. Ryan, my companion, and I are in the booth of a 24-hour Mexican eatery in Brooklyn.

WAITPERSON: What would you like to drink?

RYAN: Budweiser.

COMPANION: Corona.

ME: Do you have iced tea?

WAITPERSON: What?

ME: Iced tea?

WAITPERSON: Sure.

ME: Great!

WAITPERSON: Snapple or Arizona?

(A brief, defeated moment of silence.)

ME: Arizona?

COMPANION: You’re not in Texas anymore, kid.

Lights down.

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE: THE QUESTION REMAINS

Lights up. Ryan, my companion, and I are still in the booth. The Arizona iced tea sits unmolested, sickly sweet and full of nasty, unidentifiable sediment.

COMPANION: How excited are you about the G&F&R reunion?

ME: Totally. Totally excited.

RYAN: G&F&R?

ME: Guns N Roses.

COMPANION: Sometimes called Guns N Fuckin’ Roses. They played in Vegas for New Year’s. But it’s only Axl Rose now.

ME: He’s the best part.

(Silence)

RYAN: I heard there’s going to be a Three-Dog Night reunion.

(Silence)

ME: I didn’t know they were still alive.

COMPANION: Yeah. What did they sing again?

RYAN: (singing) “American woman, stay away from me…”

ME and COMPANION: That’s the Guess Who.

(Silence)

RYAN: I don’t know what they sang.

COMPANION: What’s a three-dog night?

ME: I think it’s like a really cold night, isn’t it? Like it’s so cold you need three dogs in the bed.

RYAN: That makes sense. Like before they had heat. Before they had thermometers.

COMPANION: So they measured in dogs?

ME: Why not?

RYAN: How many dogs do you think you could use?

ME: 57 dogs. I think that’s the max.

COMPANION: So you just kept piling these dogs on your bed?

ME: It was a different time.

COMPANION: I don’t think that’s what a three-dog night is.

RYAN: What do you think it is?

COMPANION: Like when it’s so hot that the dogs are howling. Not just one dog, not just two — but three dogs.

RYAN: So you think a three-dog night is hot.

COMPANION: Yes.

RYAN: And you think a three-dog night is cold.

ME: Yep.

RYAN: Very interesting.

Lights down. End Act Two.

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE: A HAPPY ENDING

Lights up. Back in the store.

RYAN: Just so you know, we had a technical melt-down, so it’s cash-only day.

ME: What?

COMPANION: It’s cash-only day. You can only pay in cash.

ME: I only have cash.

RYAN: Perfect.

They kiss. Lights down.

THE END.